A new campaign has been launched today to raise awareness of childcare providers who “do-it-for-the-children-not-for-the-money”. It is believed that it will have a dramatic impact upon the demand for tax free childcare and significantly alleviate the funding crisis surrounding the 30 hours per week term time “free” childcare offer. The government welcomes the timely initiative and has been quick to respond by creating an online matching service.

Parents simply log onto www.imamug.com and enter their postcode. A list of providers within a 10 mile radius offering their professional service for free will then appear in a dropdown menu. Parents simply click on the name they like the sound of, tick a box confirming that they understand that any payments they might choose to pay to the provider will be purely voluntary, then make arrangements to visit their preferred imamug childcare provider.

The website has a list of questions parents might want to ask their provider. This will help them to make sure they choose the right provider for them. Questions include:

  1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bothered would you be if I booked a dream holiday to the Seychelles rather than pay you money to feed my child?
  2. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bothered would you be if I uploaded a photo of my £3000 leather sofa on facebook rather than pay you money to pick up my child from school in rain, hail or snow?
  3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bothered would you be if I decided to go to the gym after work then go through a new design for my latest tat with my mate over a beer even when I know you have a dentist appointment for your own kid at 5.30?
  4. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bothered would you be if I said I couldn’t afford to make a contribution to the Big Toddle fundraising walk but pick up my child later with a new set of glitter gel nails, lip fillers and new hair extensions?

If the childcare provider confirms that they do-it-for-the-children-not-for-the-money then there is a match. Parents will not need to notify HMRC. Parents will not need to set up a standing order. Parents will not need to sign a contract. A start date will be agreed and parents may turn up with the child as and when it pleases with complete reassurance that the childcare provider will be entirely happy with the arrangement just so long as parent and child are happy.

In recognition of their pure selflessness, it has also been announced today that all do-it-for-the-children-not-for-the-money childcare providers will be recognised at the upcoming Childcare Planet awards ceremony. A new “imamug” category has been added to the roll of honours and the overall winner will be the childcare provider who has most effectively demonstrated over and over again the ability to take a slap in the face and turn the other cheek and keep it all bottled up and say nothing and just carry on providing the best service they can for no remuneration whatsoever.

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The award will be a medal the size of a bin lid, crafted by children in after-school clubs across the country using cereal boxes, pie trays and yoghurt pots and will proudly feature the prominent imamug slogan moulded from PVA glue mixed with all the dried out playdough, sand, crushed pasta and oats from the hoover cylinders of every childcare provider nominated.

Furthermore, all providers who do-it-for-the-children-not-for-the-money are urged to immediately register as a charity or not-for-profit organisation and to be sure to notify HMRC of their new charitable status. They may then commence organising their own fundraising activities to help them stay open and continue with their sheer generosity. They might also want to change their facebook page category from “local business” to “voluntary organisation” or “social enterprise” just to make it 100% certain that no money need change hands for the professional service they offer. There is even an imamug profile picture filter to show solidarity with other imamug childcare providers. It is recommended that an imamug facebook group be set up so that like-minded providers can network and share tales of all the things parents have done to them that have not offended them in the slightest.

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Now read 30 hours free childcare was only a joke 

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